July 4th - In Retrospect

You don’t need me to tell you that Americans abroad get a bad rap. We’re loud and we only speak English and some of us definitely voted for Bush, because how else could he have gotten elected (twice)? There is one day, one single day in the whole year, when you should give us a free pass for all that – and it just happened.

I am talking, of course, about the Fourth of July. Our independence day. The day when we (and by “we” I mean “a group of rich white men in the 1770s”) signed the Declaration of Independence, telling King George III that he could take his tea and fashionable red uniforms and shove them—somewhere. I should warn you – we get a little patriotic on the Fourth of July. And why shouldn’t we? We have plenty to be proud of.

We have a beautiful country, and people stream in from all over the world to see natural American wonders like the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, and the Great Smoky Mountains. These timeless marvels will be ours to enjoy forever – assuming we don’t crisscross the entire country with oil pipelines or ignore climate change until all of it becomes unlivable.

In deference to the first immigrants who came to America to avoid religious persecution, we have complete religious freedom guaranteed in our constitution. This applies to everyone and makes it a very tolerant place – or it would, if you didn’t hear politicians talking about its “Judeo-Christian heritage” and using that as an excuse to disallow gay marriage, abortion, and even, occasionally, contraception.

We’ve faced the issue of racism head on and come through it, the result being a diverse country made up of immigrants and a black president. All you have to do is ignore our constant resistance to immigration and the disenfranchising of minorities and immigrants that will be happening all over the country since the Supreme Court nullified part of the Voting Rights Act in June.

We have a transparent government created by the people, for the people, and we can be confident that it will express our will both at home and abroad. Occasionally, we just have to forget that it fights extremely unpopular (and in some opinions, unnecessary) wars and uses its power to secretly spy on all of its citizens.

We’re an open and kind group of people, always ready with a smile or a hug. We have something nice to say about everyone and everything! Watch out, though, because we can’t always guarantee that it’ll be genuine. You shouldn’t worry, though; of course we’re always being genuine when we’re talking to you!

We’re enterprising and adventurous. We built our country from the ground up, blazed trails across its vast forests, deserts, and plains, and now, after less than 300 years of independence, our movies and music are popular everywhere and they call our president the Leader of the Free World. We’re always willing to speak our mind – and our opinion, of course, is that we are the best, and we love to announce that in various ways to anyone who asks, or doesn’t.

So, if you didn’t already, in the future give us this one day to wear red, white, and blue, complain about the lack of fireworks, and yell about freedom. Don’t make fun of our cakes that look like the American flag and don’t laugh at us for our terrible pronunciation of whatever word it is that we’re trying to say. Enjoy the country music and our spontaneous, off-key renditions of “America the Beautiful” and “The Star Spangled Banner.” On the Fourth of July, let us be the proud nation that the Founding Fathers envisioned. Criticize us any other day of the year, and we’ll take it with a smile – that may or may not be sincere.